Hector is MINE

we declared love for each other, defined our relationship as exclusive, and he talked about a mutual bank account- that made me feel so protected and loved. I'm letting go negative feelings, and there's so much I don't understand.

"I Might Be Wrong"

Sunday. Cowboys won. Worried. Bored. Cleaning house. Listening to : "I Might be Wrong" by Radiohead (that song kicks ass) Okay, Lost my job. But I am not worried about that. I have a sense of calm about that one. I guess it's because I know that it wasn't my fault and unemployment benefits kicked in right away. I am getting a good amount to keep my head above water. I hope I get a job soon but I am scared about what kind of job I will end up with. I don't want to do sales in a call center. I like to help customers but I HATE sales. HATE. My kids are doing great. I can't complain there. I am so proud of all three of them. All doing well in school and Serge is doing great at work. He has good work ethics (like his momma!). Hector (Mr. Hot -Cold-Hot-Cold) still remains a constant in my life. August was so nice. He invited me out to dinner, and he invited me and the kids out to dinner and he made us a couple barbeques. And on my birthday, he dropped off like $100 worth of meat with my son (I was not home) so we could marinate it. Then the next day (8/14) , we had an awesome barbeque. We had such a good time, BBQ, music, beer, karaoke (lol) and I am grateful. His birthday is on Tuesday. I want to do something cool too -- maybe all of us go for Chinese. But I miss him. I want more. One day a week (occasionally two) doesn't quench my longing to spend time with him. I don't understand his obvious attachment to me, calls me almost everyday again, and obvious male-female tension that he creates. I tell myself that I should be happy to have someone , sometimes, for a few laughs, rants, and raves. I created the rules. Platonic, no hanky panky and he respects that. We are man and woman, when we hang out. I am not imagining that. I know he cares deeply. And he pisses me off when he sings and during certain lyrics, he gets louder and sings them to me. (" Baby, I'm no good for you...") I read a quote the other day and it hurt when I read it. "Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering." -- Paulo Coelho But I refuse to show it. I will not make that mistake again. I just got to not focus on this but focus on my family, my friends, and my goals. I want to forget him (love) , but I want to keep him (friends)....

happiness is a choice

I've been having such a good time lately. Just deciding to "let go" is awesome. I have been in such a good mood lately, and I got 4 days off in a row. I am reading for pleasure again. I try to have a good relationship with my teens (without letting them getting away with crap)... I need to work on certain areas,big time,though. Doin ok on my finances.. I don't touch my paycheck , until I have made all my monthly payments, and I am decorating the house as best as I can, with what I have. Candles and all. I have been inviting various friends to visit (a few beers or bbq or whatever) , and just breathing a little bit better these days.

go figure. i don't get it.
he texts me daily.
he looks for me.
And when he calls me, his tone of voice is soooo sweet and playful.

nope. I am not doing this.
I am not going to hope.

I think he is on the "down low" (google it.)

I am really going to try to learn to care about him in a platonic way.

I am the one who opened this can of worms.
And he cared enough about me to want to save the friendship, so I know he wasn't a player.
But i scared him.
And he scared me.

But he wants me to go and look for someone else.

But now I am just tired. I want to just learn to be happy by myself.

I am taking it day by day.

I saw my husband the other day and he said he was leaving to rehab and needed to make his peace with me and the kids. I said, "only me" for now.

I met him and I gave him my forgiveness.

And I told him, "you know what?? I feel like you are a ghost visiting me. For me, you died."

he got all offended, but I swear, I just was being honest.

He was like some ghost from the past, almost transparent to me.

It was healing in a way, because I don't want him back. but it was bittersweet-pain. Like I am choosing to remember those beautiful years, the happiest ones of my life. I am now feeling like I am over the betrayal.

But what now?

I am scared.


I am like the dolphins and the pigeons. those animals in nature that just have a mate their whole lives.

I want to keep "letting go" and leaving it up to God to give me the desires of my heart (as the bible promises), but I just want the ache to go away.

I feel nuts. I go from extremely hyper and super-joyful, to quiet nights in my bedroom, where I swallow a few tears.

fuck it

After all that "opening up," he reverted.

The funny thing is that I know see him in a different light.

I am gonna let go, and just keep it that way. If he comes around, I will be kind to him, because he was good to me in his own fucked up way.

but i don't think he will, because I texted him "Have a good one."

I meant it too.

I think i need solitude.
For at least a few weeks, LOL.

I have been thinking about the whole thing, but I think its like what my mom said (she is do wise!), where I was a little birdie all fucked up on the ground and he came by and found me. I am flying now, and he doesn't want to fly with me. Maybe he needs a new injured birdie.

I choose happiness.

And I am just gonna let go and go with the flow.
I am going to be happy and not be scared to new experience. I think I was hiding behind hector. He wasn't a "real" boyfriend, but he kept me from having one, if that makes any sense.

I choose to not be afraid, and to just go with it, and see what I pull in towards me, with my own peace, my own stillness, my own contentment.

i choose this.

Joy

He came to me, Sat night, and called me "baby" about seven times. I hadn't heard him call me 'baby' since summer of 2010. He just went on and on about how he was suffering and that he was so sorry. I am speechless and unprepared. I don't ever want him to think I want any power-position, so I rebuttled with my own apology, which maybe was or wasn't a mistake. He is always this very proud person, rarely showing weakness, and I saw him so humble and soft. He told me that he wasn't normally an angry person, but that he had lost himself in that anger, and he never meant to take it out on me -- the whole "all woman are crazy..." thing. We talked out needs and both of us kept telling each other , how much pain we suffered, during those six days. When he left, all I could do was just give thanks over and over.

I am glad I stood up for what I feel. I will not settle nor compromise, I am who I am, and I need what I need. I hope , maybe, he gained a new sense of respect for me. I do, feel naked, however. Hard to explain. But I am gonna roll with it, be myself , and if I feel love for him, I am going not going to hold back anymore. He can take it or leave it.

It's Over.

When you declare feelings for someone, and they can't reciprocate, friendship cannot continue -- it is too painful to let it. I told Hector goodbye.

How does that saying go?

"Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go."

"Real change happens, when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing."

I saw what I had with Hector , as stagnant. Don't get me wrong, stagnant in the sense of the relationship not growing. But I never got bored with him -- he never ceased to charm me. But I needed something more, and it didn't come naturally to him. Maybe it came naturally to him when he was a woman he loved, in his past. But I don't think I ever pulled any of his heart strings. I know he cared about me, but I think I may have been just something to comfort him in some dark times. I think he has a lot of darkness. I always draw those types in -- probably my own darkness calls out to them.

I am aching so bad.
I got to get thru this.
If I survived losing my husband, then I can get thru this too.
But I ask myself and i scream out to the sky, "Why?"

I am tired of aching. I am just determined to keep my music. The music I shared with him, and I am determined to not feel pain and think of him when I hear those songs. No, no, he can't take that with him. Those songs meant too much to me. But I know now, that i can't hear them.

Why can't I just be happy. I wear myself out with trying to be strong and positive. I just keep marching on with a smile on my face, and no one knows. No one. I claim victory thru Christ, I have faith in the power of Faith. I try to keep peace within me by setting spiritual expectations.

I told God , the Universe, whatever you wish to use, that I needed a mate, and I gave my ideals. And somehow I start seeing Hector start slipping away. Is this part of the plan? Theee PLAN?

I want my Hector back. I do. But it's too painful to not have love reciprocated. He showed me his caring, in his own ways. Oh yes, in so many ways. But he has this aloofness , this disconnected self , and he was proud of it. He claimed independence and held a cross up against commitment , as a priest would hold up again the devil. He had serious women issues, 'They are all crazy...."

I won't lie. I wish. No, I dream.
I dream he misses me. I dream he starts to ache for me, and I dream that he has this realization that he does, in fact, love me. And I then get this phone call, in a week or two, after he has been hanging tight, suffering, and he tells me, "I missed you..."

But if I had to bet a million dollars, I'd bet against it.

God I am sad.
I am tired of hurting.
But i can't lose hope. I can't. Life will turn around again.
Winter will leave, and Spring will return one day.