go figure. i don't get it.
he texts me daily.
he looks for me.
And when he calls me, his tone of voice is soooo sweet and playful.

nope. I am not doing this.
I am not going to hope.

I think he is on the "down low" (google it.)

I am really going to try to learn to care about him in a platonic way.

I am the one who opened this can of worms.
And he cared enough about me to want to save the friendship, so I know he wasn't a player.
But i scared him.
And he scared me.

But he wants me to go and look for someone else.

But now I am just tired. I want to just learn to be happy by myself.

I am taking it day by day.

I saw my husband the other day and he said he was leaving to rehab and needed to make his peace with me and the kids. I said, "only me" for now.

I met him and I gave him my forgiveness.

And I told him, "you know what?? I feel like you are a ghost visiting me. For me, you died."

he got all offended, but I swear, I just was being honest.

He was like some ghost from the past, almost transparent to me.

It was healing in a way, because I don't want him back. but it was bittersweet-pain. Like I am choosing to remember those beautiful years, the happiest ones of my life. I am now feeling like I am over the betrayal.

But what now?

I am scared.


I am like the dolphins and the pigeons. those animals in nature that just have a mate their whole lives.

I want to keep "letting go" and leaving it up to God to give me the desires of my heart (as the bible promises), but I just want the ache to go away.

I feel nuts. I go from extremely hyper and super-joyful, to quiet nights in my bedroom, where I swallow a few tears.