It's Over.

When you declare feelings for someone, and they can't reciprocate, friendship cannot continue -- it is too painful to let it. I told Hector goodbye.

How does that saying go?

"Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go."

"Real change happens, when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing."

I saw what I had with Hector , as stagnant. Don't get me wrong, stagnant in the sense of the relationship not growing. But I never got bored with him -- he never ceased to charm me. But I needed something more, and it didn't come naturally to him. Maybe it came naturally to him when he was a woman he loved, in his past. But I don't think I ever pulled any of his heart strings. I know he cared about me, but I think I may have been just something to comfort him in some dark times. I think he has a lot of darkness. I always draw those types in -- probably my own darkness calls out to them.

I am aching so bad.
I got to get thru this.
If I survived losing my husband, then I can get thru this too.
But I ask myself and i scream out to the sky, "Why?"

I am tired of aching. I am just determined to keep my music. The music I shared with him, and I am determined to not feel pain and think of him when I hear those songs. No, no, he can't take that with him. Those songs meant too much to me. But I know now, that i can't hear them.

Why can't I just be happy. I wear myself out with trying to be strong and positive. I just keep marching on with a smile on my face, and no one knows. No one. I claim victory thru Christ, I have faith in the power of Faith. I try to keep peace within me by setting spiritual expectations.

I told God , the Universe, whatever you wish to use, that I needed a mate, and I gave my ideals. And somehow I start seeing Hector start slipping away. Is this part of the plan? Theee PLAN?

I want my Hector back. I do. But it's too painful to not have love reciprocated. He showed me his caring, in his own ways. Oh yes, in so many ways. But he has this aloofness , this disconnected self , and he was proud of it. He claimed independence and held a cross up against commitment , as a priest would hold up again the devil. He had serious women issues, 'They are all crazy...."

I won't lie. I wish. No, I dream.
I dream he misses me. I dream he starts to ache for me, and I dream that he has this realization that he does, in fact, love me. And I then get this phone call, in a week or two, after he has been hanging tight, suffering, and he tells me, "I missed you..."

But if I had to bet a million dollars, I'd bet against it.

God I am sad.
I am tired of hurting.
But i can't lose hope. I can't. Life will turn around again.
Winter will leave, and Spring will return one day.