fuck it

After all that "opening up," he reverted.

The funny thing is that I know see him in a different light.

I am gonna let go, and just keep it that way. If he comes around, I will be kind to him, because he was good to me in his own fucked up way.

but i don't think he will, because I texted him "Have a good one."

I meant it too.

I think i need solitude.
For at least a few weeks, LOL.

I have been thinking about the whole thing, but I think its like what my mom said (she is do wise!), where I was a little birdie all fucked up on the ground and he came by and found me. I am flying now, and he doesn't want to fly with me. Maybe he needs a new injured birdie.

I choose happiness.

And I am just gonna let go and go with the flow.
I am going to be happy and not be scared to new experience. I think I was hiding behind hector. He wasn't a "real" boyfriend, but he kept me from having one, if that makes any sense.

I choose to not be afraid, and to just go with it, and see what I pull in towards me, with my own peace, my own stillness, my own contentment.

i choose this.

Joy

He came to me, Sat night, and called me "baby" about seven times. I hadn't heard him call me 'baby' since summer of 2010. He just went on and on about how he was suffering and that he was so sorry. I am speechless and unprepared. I don't ever want him to think I want any power-position, so I rebuttled with my own apology, which maybe was or wasn't a mistake. He is always this very proud person, rarely showing weakness, and I saw him so humble and soft. He told me that he wasn't normally an angry person, but that he had lost himself in that anger, and he never meant to take it out on me -- the whole "all woman are crazy..." thing. We talked out needs and both of us kept telling each other , how much pain we suffered, during those six days. When he left, all I could do was just give thanks over and over.

I am glad I stood up for what I feel. I will not settle nor compromise, I am who I am, and I need what I need. I hope , maybe, he gained a new sense of respect for me. I do, feel naked, however. Hard to explain. But I am gonna roll with it, be myself , and if I feel love for him, I am going not going to hold back anymore. He can take it or leave it.

It's Over.

When you declare feelings for someone, and they can't reciprocate, friendship cannot continue -- it is too painful to let it. I told Hector goodbye.

How does that saying go?

"Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go."

"Real change happens, when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing."

I saw what I had with Hector , as stagnant. Don't get me wrong, stagnant in the sense of the relationship not growing. But I never got bored with him -- he never ceased to charm me. But I needed something more, and it didn't come naturally to him. Maybe it came naturally to him when he was a woman he loved, in his past. But I don't think I ever pulled any of his heart strings. I know he cared about me, but I think I may have been just something to comfort him in some dark times. I think he has a lot of darkness. I always draw those types in -- probably my own darkness calls out to them.

I am aching so bad.
I got to get thru this.
If I survived losing my husband, then I can get thru this too.
But I ask myself and i scream out to the sky, "Why?"

I am tired of aching. I am just determined to keep my music. The music I shared with him, and I am determined to not feel pain and think of him when I hear those songs. No, no, he can't take that with him. Those songs meant too much to me. But I know now, that i can't hear them.

Why can't I just be happy. I wear myself out with trying to be strong and positive. I just keep marching on with a smile on my face, and no one knows. No one. I claim victory thru Christ, I have faith in the power of Faith. I try to keep peace within me by setting spiritual expectations.

I told God , the Universe, whatever you wish to use, that I needed a mate, and I gave my ideals. And somehow I start seeing Hector start slipping away. Is this part of the plan? Theee PLAN?

I want my Hector back. I do. But it's too painful to not have love reciprocated. He showed me his caring, in his own ways. Oh yes, in so many ways. But he has this aloofness , this disconnected self , and he was proud of it. He claimed independence and held a cross up against commitment , as a priest would hold up again the devil. He had serious women issues, 'They are all crazy...."

I won't lie. I wish. No, I dream.
I dream he misses me. I dream he starts to ache for me, and I dream that he has this realization that he does, in fact, love me. And I then get this phone call, in a week or two, after he has been hanging tight, suffering, and he tells me, "I missed you..."

But if I had to bet a million dollars, I'd bet against it.

God I am sad.
I am tired of hurting.
But i can't lose hope. I can't. Life will turn around again.
Winter will leave, and Spring will return one day.