Some Days

Some days I just think about the old George. The man who was a former Marine, who taught my sons values and morals. The man who'd correct me if I wanted to steal grapes from the grocery market and pop them in my mouth. i miss the man who told me the heartbreaking story of being betrayed by his first love, who ended up leaving him for another man while he was stationed far away. He knew how my ex had no respect for the vows of marriage, and he, too, had been hurt to by cheating girlfriends.

We had this unspoken promise to each other -- to never hurt each other in that way.
LOYALTY.

He had favorite movies, and he loved 'Regarding Henry.' In this story, the man wakes up from a self that was immoral and lost, and he starts to see things clearly and beautifully. And the irony, is that George has gone through the reverse. He was clear and beautiful, and then he fell asleep and got lost.

Alcohol can make a man lose himself.... his morals, his values, and respect for himself and others. Yet,it is a disease, and should be treated as such. Why didn't he ever have any faith in the help available? I guess he wasn't ready and didn't really want it. I think part of losing this weight all by myself, is to say that I got ahold and got control of my addiction -- all with God's help. How can I judge him for not getting on the wagon, if I had my own?


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I miss him as a friend.
I miss my husband.

But the man I've seen the last few times, is not my husband.
His eyes even look different.

I spend my mornings and nights on my knees, just saying to God, "Lord, i know i am supposed to desire your Will, no matter what that may be... but you know the desire of my heart....'

What is my truest desire? To enjoy my children as they prosper from my new connection to them. To see myself lose this weight (26 lbs so far), only because I want more energy.

Energy!!!!
1.sleep apnea that I tried to fix but they wanted me to start over and they didn't want to adjust my pressure. ($$$$$$$)
2. hypothyroid (hello? apathetic and sluggishness)
3. depression
4. Carrying around so much weight to drag me down

right now, all i care about is getting more energy ... gradually.

i don't want bariatric surgery......i don't.
I am toughing this out so much, and I don't have a crybaby attitude.
i just need and want energy so badly that I refuse to stuff my face.
it's so hard, because sometimes i just want to stuff down my pain.
but i just let myself feel my pain.

What else do I want? I want to finish school. oh come on, I'm almost about to flip to senior status. Why stop now?!?!?! I wanted to jump in to school in December, but with this grieving/mourning, I decided to allow myself some more time. In January, I think I will be ready.

What else do I want?
My husband to come to me --- I dream him. I hate that, because it's so painful when you wake up. i always wake up and I am not sure where I am, and I stumble to get up. And then in a few moments, my mind wakes up and I remember that George has left me. I say to myself, "Oh my GOD, he has left me.....oh my God, this is a nightmare. '

sometimes i scream in my car. i am driving fine, then suddenly i get pain and feel like someone just punched my gut so hard. i get that feeling at work when I am on a call. When I spell out things for the customer, I say, "D as in delta, S as in Sam, and G as in George."

I guess I need to start using a new "G" word.

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