Old Vs New Vs Intended

I haven't dared visited here since my miscarriage. But I have finally returned here and reread my older posts. On one of the first ones, I described how my husband shaved and scared me because he seemed almost like a different man. And then I comfort myself that since his bariatric surgery he has remained the same man.
Well, there was something deeper going on ... much deeper.

He just left me.
He says the reason is that I am weak and that my kids and ex-husband run all over me.
He says he is tired.
He is tired of responsibilities. He says he feels caged.
He is right.


But a few days before I discovered an online affair he was having. He said it was not fully "consummated, " but by the many dozens of conversations and texts on a daily basis -- I could see that this was something full-blown.

He did this to me back in March, not long after the miscarriage.


What he did was wrong.
But I want healing.
I can see the bigger picture.

His mother is slowly and painfully dying, and his guts have been twisted and his excruciating pain has been with him since he found out in 2008.

This is why I wait for him.

He tells me that things are all screwed up , and that I am weak and that my kids don't listen and the ex rules my life, and that I neglect the house and myself.
He is right.

But even though i know that these things have led up to him leaving, I know that he has fallen into his own CORRUPTION.


I am in the deepest agony of my life. But I also am feeling a change within myself that is starting to grow

He became disconnected and cold. He says it has been gradual.
I believe him. Sin sneaks up on you then you open doors and those doors open doors.

I wonder if his love was true love to begin with -- did he really love me? I fear that he fell in love with me for the wrong reasons. I think he was so lonely and rejected by women, that when he found me, he felt something that he thought was love. I will never know the truth to this question. It doesn't matter anymore.

When things started blooming between us, I ran away from him because he seemed so sad.

I also saw his drinking. That scared me too.


Also, another reason that I convinced myself that it would work, was that I had my own issues, and thought that he and I could understand each other and not judge each other and be there for each other and heal TOGETHER. Love makes you feel anything is possible. Especially because we were spiritual back then. But obviously it wasn't a real TRUTH that we seeked. We didn't get empowered by God's promises.



After the bariatric surgery, he started being very occupied with darker things though. It's as if the pain he experienced, corrupted him. I started getting corrupted right along with him..... stopped praying. I joined his loss of faith and sadly, an other half to sickness.

With the pain about his mother, his drinking got more out of control, he started talking to women online, and he didn't go to God.



Sergio asks me now, "What about that little connect-the-dots analogy that he would always talk about when he referred to me and him?"

I answer Sergio, "I don't know."

George thinks that he left because things got bad and he couldn't handle it anymore.

NO. Wrong order.


Things got bad in the family (marriage/kids), because I wasn't manning up and being strong for my kids.
.


He couldn't handle the void the surgery brought along with his mother's news.
And I often wonder, though, how he could of gotten so cold.



with George leaving me, it hit me like a surprise and the shock is still here - I didn't see it coming. Right up until the end, we'd lie in bed and talk sweet-nothings to each other, and still felt connected. I only started seeing changes until September. (He left Nov 1st).

If he truly left me for my failures and his failures, and he still loved me, then the right thing would of been to say, "Denise, I'm tired of your weaknesses, I am tired of your untreated-depressions, I am tired of the loss of control as parents, I am tired of the loss of control over the finances and the house... LETS GET HELP.. LETS GET COUNSELING."

God knows I would of felt joy if he attempted to have spiritual leadership.
Instead he told me in March, "My mother's death will probably be the end of me, Denise."



On his myspace, I was his best friend. He had typed out, "my best friend, my wife."

And he went and edited it, and just deleted my name. And it just says, "best friend." (Which represents the real world, amazingly.)



What am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING?

I am going back to my Christianity. I am seeing all of this as God having mercy, so I can see in the mirror and see how I need to concentrate on my children.

My children , especially Sergio, have been responding. I super-focused too much on trying to save George from his alcoholism .... and Sergio was walking around, aching in pain, abusing weed, and not going to class.

But Sergio is coming around. He has quit weed. He asks for counseling and has gone
to see Beth Anne Contreras, the most wonderful counselor in El Paso.

Did George's leaving rescue Sergio?
No. Me manning up did it.



We lost God together, that is for sure. We got corrupted in so many ways.

And in his corruption , he judged me -- my depression, my failure to do what I was supposed to do, and my physical pain from my own weight problem, and YES my weaknesses. How can the weak judge the weak?

I am left with the remains and the pain, that is not medicated with food, drug, drink, nor co-dependency.

But I am also left with a new found connection with God. On a deeper level that I didn't have before.

I did, however, feel like a bad child who wandered off these last couple years and am returning to my father with my tail between my legs, crying and begging for His
Mercy.

But God's Grace says to me to not have that feeling and that my Father is glad that I have returned and he has open Arms for me.



And God won't answer that question, "yes" or "no" about the future.

He says "Wait, Denise, and get close to Me.'

And I fight like a wild animals, swinging my arms, scratching up the air with wildness, in desperate, agonizing, torturous, stabbing pain........but God says to me, "let him go and come to Me."

I can't sleep, I can't work, I walk around with a grin on my face so that my kids don't see my pain, and I appear strong. This ache is there, non-stop, and my insides are constantly SCREAMING in agony.
I am constantly reminded by everything around me -- music, movies, and yes, even the stars in the sky, because he just loved looking at the stars, and the constellations.

How will i ever let go of him if the STARS IN THE SKY remind me of him????!!!!

But God says to me, "Let go and come to Me."

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I am improving my life. I am doing things for my kids (being more connected) and I am doing more for myself (losing weight for my own health and for more energy). I am also following the counselor's advice -- getting treated for mental health -- evaluated for either depression or bi-polar 2.

At times, I remember how George brought me a pamphlet about these mental health issues, and I didn't listen. At times, I see how George did try, but how could he expect me to listen to him when he himself needed to HELP HIMSELF?? We both were sick. We both needed help. I am seeking it.
And I pray that he is too.

I was sick, bitching at him to get help.

And he was sick, bitching at me to get help.

Neither of us would hear the other!

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Today, Thanksgiving Day, I am feeling my pain RAW.
PAIN THAT IS SOOOOO RAW and DEEP and it wants to leave me dead inside.

But I choose life.

I choose to be thankful for my health (and its improvement, I've lost 20lbs). I could very easily turn to food, but I choose to feel my raw pain. I refuse to medicate myself.

I read that what I am going through is equal to the pain of losing a spouse to death.
This pain is second on these lists I found on the internet.

The first one is to lose a child.

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And even if G got "uncorrupted" and he saw his sickness, and he came back, I would still have to consult God to allow him back into my life.

Because maybe God has better plans for me.

I know that I must remain single for a long-time, as God remolds me and mine.
I know that I don't deserve a good man until I become the woman that God intended me to be.

But I still secretly wish that I could become that woman that God intended me to be, and that one day, George appears, as the man that God intended him to be.


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