I didn't listen to him.
He tried to tell me so many times, that he couldn't take the burden.
I didn't listen to him.
I have been pointing out the speck in his eye, while I had the board in my own eye.
I disrespected him so much, and thought my ugly behavior was justified because I hated
the drinking. I became almost hateful.
But this man has been there so much for me.
And so much for kids that weren't even his.
It's incredible to think back at how much he was there for us.
He really loved my children.
And he grew pain when my kids started disrespecting him.
1. My ex-husband poisoned them. (I saw the texts with my own eyes.)
2. I burdened G with all the discipline and care-taking while I worked.
And I should of gotten up earlier, I should of shopped for food, I should of cooked.
3. My kids witnessed my disrespect my husband.
4. I read that in stepfamilies, the natural parent should be in charge of the discipline!!!!
I was so weak and demanded that he be a pillar.
I was supposed to be the FEMALE pillar.
I know some may think that I am being a pushover to list my sins when he did his own in the end. But I am wise enough to see the big picture.
I see how everything happened the way it did, because G had been TRYING AND TRYING AND TRYING TO GET ME TO LISTEN!!!!!! HE WROTE ME EMAILS ......HE'D TRIED TALKING TO ME -- i just interrupted and had attitude.
Oh husband, I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
I am your faithful wife and will keep praying that God' keeps opening my eyes.
He is doing that!!
Keep away from me longer,my husband, so God deals with me.
Keep away from me longer, so I keep "manning" up the way I have been.
My kids prosper now, not because you are gone, but because I am manning up and being the FEMALE PILLAR.
And even though I mourn you, my husband, I am starting to feel so good about myself and my new wisdom.
Keep away, while I get my body healthy.
keep away, while I teach my children. I tell them how good you were.
Keep away, while I go back, happily, to my goals... the ones I threw away.
Keep away, while I sleep with your child-photo, and cry about all the harsh words I said to you.
Keep away , while I become a pillar.
And you will come back and I will respect my husband and I will never leave
Christ's teachings again.
-
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
The Lioness
Today, Thanksgiving Day, I thank God for the lioness.
My mother is the lioness. She seems clumsy and docile at times, but when I give her my pain, she becomes this ferocious lioness who empowers me.
Today, this lioness has given birth to her a lion cub.
I am not like the deer that take hours to get on their feet.
I drank her milk today.
I am stronger.
I am now shaking with her ferocity......one of wisdom and strength.
And the day she dies, my mother ..... my strong, beautiful, ferocious lioness ....... I will then become even more beautiful, strong and ferocious..... and then I will give birth ....
My mother is the lioness. She seems clumsy and docile at times, but when I give her my pain, she becomes this ferocious lioness who empowers me.
Today, this lioness has given birth to her a lion cub.
I am not like the deer that take hours to get on their feet.
I drank her milk today.
I am stronger.
I am now shaking with her ferocity......one of wisdom and strength.
And the day she dies, my mother ..... my strong, beautiful, ferocious lioness ....... I will then become even more beautiful, strong and ferocious..... and then I will give birth ....
Old Vs New Vs Intended
I haven't dared visited here since my miscarriage. But I have finally returned here and reread my older posts. On one of the first ones, I described how my husband shaved and scared me because he seemed almost like a different man. And then I comfort myself that since his bariatric surgery he has remained the same man.
Well, there was something deeper going on ... much deeper.
He just left me.
He says the reason is that I am weak and that my kids and ex-husband run all over me.
He says he is tired.
He is tired of responsibilities. He says he feels caged.
He is right.
But a few days before I discovered an online affair he was having. He said it was not fully "consummated, " but by the many dozens of conversations and texts on a daily basis -- I could see that this was something full-blown.
He did this to me back in March, not long after the miscarriage.
What he did was wrong.
But I want healing.
I can see the bigger picture.
His mother is slowly and painfully dying, and his guts have been twisted and his excruciating pain has been with him since he found out in 2008.
This is why I wait for him.
He tells me that things are all screwed up , and that I am weak and that my kids don't listen and the ex rules my life, and that I neglect the house and myself.
He is right.
But even though i know that these things have led up to him leaving, I know that he has fallen into his own CORRUPTION.
I am in the deepest agony of my life. But I also am feeling a change within myself that is starting to grow
He became disconnected and cold. He says it has been gradual.
I believe him. Sin sneaks up on you then you open doors and those doors open doors.
I wonder if his love was true love to begin with -- did he really love me? I fear that he fell in love with me for the wrong reasons. I think he was so lonely and rejected by women, that when he found me, he felt something that he thought was love. I will never know the truth to this question. It doesn't matter anymore.
When things started blooming between us, I ran away from him because he seemed so sad.
I also saw his drinking. That scared me too.
Also, another reason that I convinced myself that it would work, was that I had my own issues, and thought that he and I could understand each other and not judge each other and be there for each other and heal TOGETHER. Love makes you feel anything is possible. Especially because we were spiritual back then. But obviously it wasn't a real TRUTH that we seeked. We didn't get empowered by God's promises.
After the bariatric surgery, he started being very occupied with darker things though. It's as if the pain he experienced, corrupted him. I started getting corrupted right along with him..... stopped praying. I joined his loss of faith and sadly, an other half to sickness.
With the pain about his mother, his drinking got more out of control, he started talking to women online, and he didn't go to God.
Sergio asks me now, "What about that little connect-the-dots analogy that he would always talk about when he referred to me and him?"
I answer Sergio, "I don't know."
George thinks that he left because things got bad and he couldn't handle it anymore.
NO. Wrong order.
Things got bad in the family (marriage/kids), because I wasn't manning up and being strong for my kids.
.
He couldn't handle the void the surgery brought along with his mother's news.
And I often wonder, though, how he could of gotten so cold.
with George leaving me, it hit me like a surprise and the shock is still here - I didn't see it coming. Right up until the end, we'd lie in bed and talk sweet-nothings to each other, and still felt connected. I only started seeing changes until September. (He left Nov 1st).
If he truly left me for my failures and his failures, and he still loved me, then the right thing would of been to say, "Denise, I'm tired of your weaknesses, I am tired of your untreated-depressions, I am tired of the loss of control as parents, I am tired of the loss of control over the finances and the house... LETS GET HELP.. LETS GET COUNSELING."
God knows I would of felt joy if he attempted to have spiritual leadership.
Instead he told me in March, "My mother's death will probably be the end of me, Denise."
On his myspace, I was his best friend. He had typed out, "my best friend, my wife."
And he went and edited it, and just deleted my name. And it just says, "best friend." (Which represents the real world, amazingly.)
What am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING?
I am going back to my Christianity. I am seeing all of this as God having mercy, so I can see in the mirror and see how I need to concentrate on my children.
My children , especially Sergio, have been responding. I super-focused too much on trying to save George from his alcoholism .... and Sergio was walking around, aching in pain, abusing weed, and not going to class.
But Sergio is coming around. He has quit weed. He asks for counseling and has gone
to see Beth Anne Contreras, the most wonderful counselor in El Paso.
Did George's leaving rescue Sergio?
No. Me manning up did it.
We lost God together, that is for sure. We got corrupted in so many ways.
And in his corruption , he judged me -- my depression, my failure to do what I was supposed to do, and my physical pain from my own weight problem, and YES my weaknesses. How can the weak judge the weak?
I am left with the remains and the pain, that is not medicated with food, drug, drink, nor co-dependency.
But I am also left with a new found connection with God. On a deeper level that I didn't have before.
I did, however, feel like a bad child who wandered off these last couple years and am returning to my father with my tail between my legs, crying and begging for His
Mercy.
But God's Grace says to me to not have that feeling and that my Father is glad that I have returned and he has open Arms for me.
And God won't answer that question, "yes" or "no" about the future.
He says "Wait, Denise, and get close to Me.'
And I fight like a wild animals, swinging my arms, scratching up the air with wildness, in desperate, agonizing, torturous, stabbing pain........but God says to me, "let him go and come to Me."
I can't sleep, I can't work, I walk around with a grin on my face so that my kids don't see my pain, and I appear strong. This ache is there, non-stop, and my insides are constantly SCREAMING in agony.
I am constantly reminded by everything around me -- music, movies, and yes, even the stars in the sky, because he just loved looking at the stars, and the constellations.
How will i ever let go of him if the STARS IN THE SKY remind me of him????!!!!
But God says to me, "Let go and come to Me."
-------
I am improving my life. I am doing things for my kids (being more connected) and I am doing more for myself (losing weight for my own health and for more energy). I am also following the counselor's advice -- getting treated for mental health -- evaluated for either depression or bi-polar 2.
At times, I remember how George brought me a pamphlet about these mental health issues, and I didn't listen. At times, I see how George did try, but how could he expect me to listen to him when he himself needed to HELP HIMSELF?? We both were sick. We both needed help. I am seeking it.
And I pray that he is too.
I was sick, bitching at him to get help.
And he was sick, bitching at me to get help.
Neither of us would hear the other!
--------------------------------------
Today, Thanksgiving Day, I am feeling my pain RAW.
PAIN THAT IS SOOOOO RAW and DEEP and it wants to leave me dead inside.
But I choose life.
I choose to be thankful for my health (and its improvement, I've lost 20lbs). I could very easily turn to food, but I choose to feel my raw pain. I refuse to medicate myself.
I read that what I am going through is equal to the pain of losing a spouse to death.
This pain is second on these lists I found on the internet.
The first one is to lose a child.
-----------
And even if G got "uncorrupted" and he saw his sickness, and he came back, I would still have to consult God to allow him back into my life.
Because maybe God has better plans for me.
I know that I must remain single for a long-time, as God remolds me and mine.
I know that I don't deserve a good man until I become the woman that God intended me to be.
But I still secretly wish that I could become that woman that God intended me to be, and that one day, George appears, as the man that God intended him to be.
.
Well, there was something deeper going on ... much deeper.
He just left me.
He says the reason is that I am weak and that my kids and ex-husband run all over me.
He says he is tired.
He is tired of responsibilities. He says he feels caged.
He is right.
But a few days before I discovered an online affair he was having. He said it was not fully "consummated, " but by the many dozens of conversations and texts on a daily basis -- I could see that this was something full-blown.
He did this to me back in March, not long after the miscarriage.
What he did was wrong.
But I want healing.
I can see the bigger picture.
His mother is slowly and painfully dying, and his guts have been twisted and his excruciating pain has been with him since he found out in 2008.
This is why I wait for him.
He tells me that things are all screwed up , and that I am weak and that my kids don't listen and the ex rules my life, and that I neglect the house and myself.
He is right.
But even though i know that these things have led up to him leaving, I know that he has fallen into his own CORRUPTION.
I am in the deepest agony of my life. But I also am feeling a change within myself that is starting to grow
He became disconnected and cold. He says it has been gradual.
I believe him. Sin sneaks up on you then you open doors and those doors open doors.
I wonder if his love was true love to begin with -- did he really love me? I fear that he fell in love with me for the wrong reasons. I think he was so lonely and rejected by women, that when he found me, he felt something that he thought was love. I will never know the truth to this question. It doesn't matter anymore.
When things started blooming between us, I ran away from him because he seemed so sad.
I also saw his drinking. That scared me too.
Also, another reason that I convinced myself that it would work, was that I had my own issues, and thought that he and I could understand each other and not judge each other and be there for each other and heal TOGETHER. Love makes you feel anything is possible. Especially because we were spiritual back then. But obviously it wasn't a real TRUTH that we seeked. We didn't get empowered by God's promises.
After the bariatric surgery, he started being very occupied with darker things though. It's as if the pain he experienced, corrupted him. I started getting corrupted right along with him..... stopped praying. I joined his loss of faith and sadly, an other half to sickness.
With the pain about his mother, his drinking got more out of control, he started talking to women online, and he didn't go to God.
Sergio asks me now, "What about that little connect-the-dots analogy that he would always talk about when he referred to me and him?"
I answer Sergio, "I don't know."
George thinks that he left because things got bad and he couldn't handle it anymore.
NO. Wrong order.
Things got bad in the family (marriage/kids), because I wasn't manning up and being strong for my kids.
.
He couldn't handle the void the surgery brought along with his mother's news.
And I often wonder, though, how he could of gotten so cold.
with George leaving me, it hit me like a surprise and the shock is still here - I didn't see it coming. Right up until the end, we'd lie in bed and talk sweet-nothings to each other, and still felt connected. I only started seeing changes until September. (He left Nov 1st).
If he truly left me for my failures and his failures, and he still loved me, then the right thing would of been to say, "Denise, I'm tired of your weaknesses, I am tired of your untreated-depressions, I am tired of the loss of control as parents, I am tired of the loss of control over the finances and the house... LETS GET HELP.. LETS GET COUNSELING."
God knows I would of felt joy if he attempted to have spiritual leadership.
Instead he told me in March, "My mother's death will probably be the end of me, Denise."
On his myspace, I was his best friend. He had typed out, "my best friend, my wife."
And he went and edited it, and just deleted my name. And it just says, "best friend." (Which represents the real world, amazingly.)
What am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING?
I am going back to my Christianity. I am seeing all of this as God having mercy, so I can see in the mirror and see how I need to concentrate on my children.
My children , especially Sergio, have been responding. I super-focused too much on trying to save George from his alcoholism .... and Sergio was walking around, aching in pain, abusing weed, and not going to class.
But Sergio is coming around. He has quit weed. He asks for counseling and has gone
to see Beth Anne Contreras, the most wonderful counselor in El Paso.
Did George's leaving rescue Sergio?
No. Me manning up did it.
We lost God together, that is for sure. We got corrupted in so many ways.
And in his corruption , he judged me -- my depression, my failure to do what I was supposed to do, and my physical pain from my own weight problem, and YES my weaknesses. How can the weak judge the weak?
I am left with the remains and the pain, that is not medicated with food, drug, drink, nor co-dependency.
But I am also left with a new found connection with God. On a deeper level that I didn't have before.
I did, however, feel like a bad child who wandered off these last couple years and am returning to my father with my tail between my legs, crying and begging for His
Mercy.
But God's Grace says to me to not have that feeling and that my Father is glad that I have returned and he has open Arms for me.
And God won't answer that question, "yes" or "no" about the future.
He says "Wait, Denise, and get close to Me.'
And I fight like a wild animals, swinging my arms, scratching up the air with wildness, in desperate, agonizing, torturous, stabbing pain........but God says to me, "let him go and come to Me."
I can't sleep, I can't work, I walk around with a grin on my face so that my kids don't see my pain, and I appear strong. This ache is there, non-stop, and my insides are constantly SCREAMING in agony.
I am constantly reminded by everything around me -- music, movies, and yes, even the stars in the sky, because he just loved looking at the stars, and the constellations.
How will i ever let go of him if the STARS IN THE SKY remind me of him????!!!!
But God says to me, "Let go and come to Me."
-------
I am improving my life. I am doing things for my kids (being more connected) and I am doing more for myself (losing weight for my own health and for more energy). I am also following the counselor's advice -- getting treated for mental health -- evaluated for either depression or bi-polar 2.
At times, I remember how George brought me a pamphlet about these mental health issues, and I didn't listen. At times, I see how George did try, but how could he expect me to listen to him when he himself needed to HELP HIMSELF?? We both were sick. We both needed help. I am seeking it.
And I pray that he is too.
I was sick, bitching at him to get help.
And he was sick, bitching at me to get help.
Neither of us would hear the other!
--------------------------------------
Today, Thanksgiving Day, I am feeling my pain RAW.
PAIN THAT IS SOOOOO RAW and DEEP and it wants to leave me dead inside.
But I choose life.
I choose to be thankful for my health (and its improvement, I've lost 20lbs). I could very easily turn to food, but I choose to feel my raw pain. I refuse to medicate myself.
I read that what I am going through is equal to the pain of losing a spouse to death.
This pain is second on these lists I found on the internet.
The first one is to lose a child.
-----------
And even if G got "uncorrupted" and he saw his sickness, and he came back, I would still have to consult God to allow him back into my life.
Because maybe God has better plans for me.
I know that I must remain single for a long-time, as God remolds me and mine.
I know that I don't deserve a good man until I become the woman that God intended me to be.
But I still secretly wish that I could become that woman that God intended me to be, and that one day, George appears, as the man that God intended him to be.
.
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