First Day of Spring -- the Year, 2011.

Yesterday, was the first day of Spring.

I go back and forth, from "all is good" and enjoying my children and the growth that I have seen come about in our family dynamics, to these sad moments of uncertainty.

I say "all is good," when I see how my children are doing. We had such a wonderful time at White Sands, recently. I see them maturing, and with that, I see their attitudes changing. Sergio's anger is completely gone these days. He and Derek get along better than ever. And Derek and Amanda, despite their moments, are amazing sometimes -- especially when I see her accepting Derek's kindness (helping her iron her Young Marine uniform). They all flock around me sometimes, like I am mother duck. We laugh and play. And I look back on how this last year was such a journey for all of us. They suffered too, but I refuse to linger on that, because I must look forward.

I also say "all is good," when I see the way my relationship with "H" has turned out. He has been a very consistent and steady part of my life. We see each other once during the week for a few hours in the evening, and we spend Saturday night together, from 8 to maybe 1 or 2 a.m. (It also depends on his work schedule, because sometimes he goes into work at 4 a.m.) And then every morning he texts me to wish me a good day at work. Everyday, pretty much, I call him during my lunch hour to talk for ten or fifteen minutes, to just tell each other what is new with work, projects, friends/family. Also, he does such kind things for me. And he is nice to my kids, he takes us to each chinese buffets. He even gifts my dog, Zoey regularly, lol.

I watch him sometimes. I can't figure him out completely. Everyone has pasts, mistakes, and I never probe too often. But sometimes I probe. I know I have to keep this relationship in perspective. I know that I must enjoy the company of a man, as I have been, but not let myself get carried away, with domestic dreams. I like how he can come over, and watch a basketball game, with me and the kids, and we have a goodbye kiss at the door, when it's over. I like hearing music, on a porch, and share a 12 pack. I like having a man that drinks like all American guy, and can stop at six or seven beers. (Although, I don't know how many he had before that, lol).

And he does something so soul-touching, and he doesn't even know it. I turned him on to one of my favorite musical bands, and he now loves them. I put like a dozen songs in his MP3 player, and he got obsessed with one particular song. He has this tendency to always pull in to my place, with his stereo, loud enough to hear. I mean, he picks one song, and plays it to DEATH. And the last couple months, he pulls in , hearing Dave Matthews Band's song titled, #41. And that particular song, has been the song of my soul. I mean, I have a list of many songs that move me, but that one ranks very high. And I never told him that, and I smile when I watch him restart the song a few times, when it's over. He sings all the words, and he grooves on every note. HE GETS IT. He gets it. He gets it. Right now, that is enough for me -- those moments. Well, I WANT it to be enough for me. Why can't it just be enough for me? Why? Why?

Why do I have to have these moments of darkness? I even went as far as getting drunk one night (on purpose, to kill the pain, and I ended up emailing Jorge. I don't want him back, I don't. The man I knew is dead to me. But I asked him how he can easily forget and erase it all? I want to do that too!

I don't think Jorge haunts me. I think that what haunts me most, is how life can be so unpredictable. How people can be so flaky and selfish. I wonder if I can ever just trust anyone ever again. I never drag devotion out of anyone, but when they chase you down , and tell you that you can finally put your guard down, because they will take care of your heart. You pull your heart out of your chest, and hand it over to them. I was reluctant to give it to Jorge, and he won me. He embedded himself not only in me, but my three children. Nobody told him to go make my children promises.

And it is scary how out of the blue, they can just decide to toss it over their shoulders and throw it away, it lands on I-10, to get trampled. And to top it off, they create a dozen excuses to justify it, but Jorge knows deep in his black heart, that I never deserved it. He was just choking in his own pain and grief, and was enjoying that "high" that you get from a new love -- a new Spring. He needed that "drink" just as much as he needed his hard liquor. And God, I never want to go back to that mess -- a bottle a day -- damn! Hell, no. That is too depressing to witness. It helped me to forgive Jorge, by pretending that maybe he wasn't so selfish, and that he needed to have that mistress at his side, as he shredded his liver and that way, he could have a nurse at his bedside, for the cirrhosis, LOL.
My kids didn't deserve to witness that.

No, I don't need a broken man. I don't wanna nurse anyone.
I think that's what attracts me to H. He is the type that hates to be fussed over.
It only makes me want to fuss over him more. His weakness is affection, I could stroke his hair for hours before he'd pull away. It's like he is a dry well, and can't get enough. He soaks it up like a desert plant. (WTF with these metaphors, lol?) But fussing? no. Maybe being the 11th child of twelve, makes you harshly independent.


But anyways --people disappoint. HUMAN BEINGS suck. All I can do is hang on is to see God and me, only. I can't bare to be someone's other half. I can't bare to hand the mended heart over to another man. God, you take my heart. You take it, Lord. You heal it. You mend it. And only you, can truly keep it safe.

But I am scared that I have already given a part of it to H.
I thought that by keeping away those physical bonds, that this was enough protection from this happening. No, I give a little tiny piece of my heart, when H builds me a little dog house. I give a little bit away, when he buys me a little grocery, and even when he gives me his intense stare, or that beautiful smile he has.

But the funny thing is that , even if I was to hand him (H), my entire heart, he'd give it back and say, "I'm no good for you."


Well, some days I feel something else.

I keep "visualizing" what I want.
I am not at the point where I am being proactive. I am scared.

But last night I watched "Where the Red Fern Grows," and there is talk about meeting God half ways.

I am not unhappy. But there is this window of time, where I feel this emptiness.
I don't let myself stay there too long, and I refuse to feed it.

I just need to let go.

Let go.

Let go and have hope.

I don't even know what I want sometimes.

But I know i must dream and hope and have FAITH.

Already 2011.

I have been a roller coaster.

I just stop in the middle of it all and say, "What am I doing?"

Life has offered a lot of contentment. My children have come a long way.
I have earned their respect, seeing me struggle, and managing to be the strong
Mother Bird. I get help from family, like my ex-in-laws help with Saturday morning rides, because Amanda and Derek go to the Young Marine meetings. I come home and Sergio had done dishes all on his own -- he is growing up and healing. I don't see that anger he had anymore. And conflicts are less and happy times are more in the home. More laughter, music, and we enjoy our dog and fight over who she gets to sleep with (me, included, haha).

Do I think of my soon-to-be-ex-husband? Yes. I had been okay for many months, and something happened to me in February. I realize though, that my pain isn't really from missing the good-times of the past, but fear of not having what i want in the future. In late January,

Already 2011.

I have been a roller coaster.

I just stop in the middle of it all and say, "What am I doing?"

Life has offered a lot of contentment. My children have come a long way.
I have earned their respect, seeing me struggle, and managing to be the strong
Mother Bird. I get help from family, like my ex-in-laws help with Saturday morning rides, because Amanda and Derek go to the Young Marine meetings. I come home and Sergio had done dishes all on his own -- he is growing up and healing. I don't see that anger he had anymore. And conflicts are less and happy times are more in the home. More laughter, music, and we enjoy our dog and fight over who she gets to sleep with (me, included, haha).

Do I think of my soon-to-be-ex-husband? Yes. I had been okay for many months, and something happened to me in February. I realize though, that my pain isn't really from missing the good-times of the past, but fear of not having what i want in the future. In late January,