Undescribable Months of April thru August...

I had no idea about human mourning. I actually did have an "idea" and my avoidant personality didn't allow my thoughts to linger there too long. My personality -- my own psychology - was too fragile. I had bared other types of human pain --- a defeated, lay-down , hopelessness, but an avoidant response was what always resulted.

But no, this type of pain that started Nov 1st of 2009, when my husband abandoned me and the children -- was a pain in its own class. The tearing up and shredding of your being -- a shattered mirror of yourself. Your bare hands hold the broken pieces so tight, that the flesh of your fingers are shredded to pulp.
But that is one of the many types of pain, that I could describe.

I don't feel this pain any longer. At least, not at that intensity. And I am relieved but also scared at the same time. I tell my friends and loved ones, only half the story.

First, during the initial separation, I had beckoned for my husband to come back, as he was before his "emotional fall" which started back in the spring of 2009. The man who was there during my miscarriage. I still saw him sad, but he was still somewhat present. He comforted me and watched them cleaned up the gallon of blood off the hospital floor. He brought me a cold icy coke. We shared tears. But I don't think we ever mourned together. We had mourned separately. The baby was our last hope, and with her dying, it closed a chapter. It was the beginning of our end.

I felt desperate when I saw the end coming. I beckoned back the intense love of my husband -- like the way he loved me in the beginning and in the middle. I used unholy tactics to get his love. I don't and can't separate passion and love. I am quite giving and intense, and I wanted and needed that intensity back. The moon, the stars, the tiger. Unholy tactics.

Then I tied beckoning back a man who might find God again. The husband who lived by the principles that he held close to his heart and shared with my children. The man who loved Jesus and His teachings --- and a self declared patriot.

This man was dead. The Zombie has a different look in his eyes.


The part I missed the most was the man who brought out a peace in me -- a peace I never had before. The peace you have when you go fishing with a friend, and you both stay quiet, as you look at the sunset and the diamonds on the water -- over a few cold ones, a few jokes, nodding of our heads, and a smile with secret understandings.

Dammit Denise, he is DEAD, don't you get it?

After that , I beckoned an invisible man. A man who is air. I don't know anything about him.....

Who do I beckon that night in the crowd of people?

H.


I picked him out in a room of people, I kid you not. I had left the house knowing he would be there, and the funny thing was that he was in a similar predicament. Healthy? Probably not.

Older, 12 yrs older. I see his face, which shows his age, yet can see him at age 15, 30, 40 and now at 50. The moonlight takes years off, but I wonder if it take off pounds? Ha.

I have the friendship (the peace, the moon and the tiger....)

An illusion, i know. All things in relationships are illusions at first. Especially me, I am so drunken by a new tiger, that and the moon and the stars -- that I don't weigh out other things.


For now, though, I am escaping the fears of aloneness, and having a damn good time while doing it --- what can I say -- he THRILLS me. Conversations are tender, and conversations are GAMES -- i like that he can play a good game... he can top me off, and then pull me over and spank the hell out of me. (Did I just say that aloud?)

But seriously, I have a nice time, and yet, i still know that I don't know him.
And i still haven't figured out his position --- he has given me a list of clues, that may be insulting to a nice girl, yet the more I think about it, it may turn out to be ideal. An arrangement? Or a friendship? And why can't I just let go and take it for what it is?

Why? because i want the mundane.
I want the boring.
I want the rocking chair on the porch, with lemonade (or cold beer) and to feel my dog at my feet. I want my man to be mellow and we make each other laugh. I want him to help me fall asleep and he helps me fall asleep, (*sigh*)


But that can't happen until my birdies leave the nest. Birdies are stress. A lot of stress -- don't get me wrong, joy, laughs, stress, anger, -- which i can handle all of it because they are my offspring, my birdies in my nest -- my flesh and blood, my babies.

But he made it clear that those two worlds can never be mixed -- and I was relieved when he said this to me , because I cannot ever put my kids through anything again. What George did was enough damage. Nobody told him to go to them and make promises like that. No, I can't risk it.

And I was okay when he H said it. I felt relief.


Yet, I wonderd, how could I get what all women need, without losing independence?
How could i get loyalty --- the romantic loyalty that a knight promises his queen?

Why does the woman always have to worry about tomorrow, iike her clock is running out? I feel like i can't and couldn't say goodbye to H, because I liked and needed the friendhhip, the intamcy and the laughter.........yet at the same time the relationship TORTURES me because I sit down and relaize how there is never really a way to tell if a man is a black cat or a white cat. He is a self-proclaimed black cat, and he carries his flag proudly--- grinning to be silly.

But I wonder if he is now at an age , where he says, "hey ive fucked up enough , and now Im ready to finish out my last 30 years of life, with a woman who will be my true friend -- my lover, and I will never fuck her.

Yeah right. I am so jaded.

what the hell am i doing?
what am I doing?

I am purring.