Man Behind the Mask

I was not expecting my husband to listen to me when I dared him to shave. He had been threatening to do this for the last year, and I kept saying that I had a thing for goatees and NOT to do it. One cold, winter, inebriated evening, he makes that threat again. I say, "You are all talk.... whatever!" He stood up and stormed off and I was like , "Uhhh? Where ya going?"

My son and I started whispering, "Oh my God, he is going to do it!" I literally was hiding behind the wall, saying, "Go see!! I can't!" I was afraid. I wasn't afraid of not liking his looks, but afraid of him looking different. See, I need familiarity and his recent weight loss left me sometimes missing the old George. Strange, isn't it? There was something comforting when he was a huge man -- almost fatherlike. The way he'd babytalked me and open his arms so I could crawl up against him everytime I felt any pain or anguish in life.

Nothing has changed, in reality, since his weight loss. New problems have risen, but he is still the same man, but I'd have to convince myself in certain moments. So, seeing him shaven for the very first time was very strange to me.

At first, I was unsure and didn't react much. And then he tortured himself the entire night because he regretted the decision of shaving everythng off. "See what you made me do! Man, I look so damn old! You never dare a drunk man, Denise!"

When we went to bed, he reminded me of a woman who had cut off all her long hair. I kept saying, "You can always grow it back, baby!"
He was really upset, though. He did, however, seem to find some peace when I told him, "George, I love your face -- I really, really do."

And I did, but I had to adjust. It didn't take long, and the next day, I kept looking at him when he thought I wasn't looking. I was literally trying to figure him out. I was putting together all the pictures of him when he was younger and clean shaven (We met in our 30's.) It was almost like getting to know another side to him. He looked so vulnerable, too. His big goatee always make him look a little mean (so he bragged), and it also made it hard for me to read him at times.

Today is the the third day, and I am realizing something, though. All those frustrating times when I thought he was reacting indifferently or mildly to things, he may have just been hiding behind the beard. I can now see every muscle of his face with whatever expression he is wearing at the moment. I seem to really like that!

Well, even though he is threatening to grow it back now, I think this may have actually been somewhat therapeutic in the long run, lol.