Man Behind the Mask

I was not expecting my husband to listen to me when I dared him to shave. He had been threatening to do this for the last year, and I kept saying that I had a thing for goatees and NOT to do it. One cold, winter, inebriated evening, he makes that threat again. I say, "You are all talk.... whatever!" He stood up and stormed off and I was like , "Uhhh? Where ya going?"

My son and I started whispering, "Oh my God, he is going to do it!" I literally was hiding behind the wall, saying, "Go see!! I can't!" I was afraid. I wasn't afraid of not liking his looks, but afraid of him looking different. See, I need familiarity and his recent weight loss left me sometimes missing the old George. Strange, isn't it? There was something comforting when he was a huge man -- almost fatherlike. The way he'd babytalked me and open his arms so I could crawl up against him everytime I felt any pain or anguish in life.

Nothing has changed, in reality, since his weight loss. New problems have risen, but he is still the same man, but I'd have to convince myself in certain moments. So, seeing him shaven for the very first time was very strange to me.

At first, I was unsure and didn't react much. And then he tortured himself the entire night because he regretted the decision of shaving everythng off. "See what you made me do! Man, I look so damn old! You never dare a drunk man, Denise!"

When we went to bed, he reminded me of a woman who had cut off all her long hair. I kept saying, "You can always grow it back, baby!"
He was really upset, though. He did, however, seem to find some peace when I told him, "George, I love your face -- I really, really do."

And I did, but I had to adjust. It didn't take long, and the next day, I kept looking at him when he thought I wasn't looking. I was literally trying to figure him out. I was putting together all the pictures of him when he was younger and clean shaven (We met in our 30's.) It was almost like getting to know another side to him. He looked so vulnerable, too. His big goatee always make him look a little mean (so he bragged), and it also made it hard for me to read him at times.

Today is the the third day, and I am realizing something, though. All those frustrating times when I thought he was reacting indifferently or mildly to things, he may have just been hiding behind the beard. I can now see every muscle of his face with whatever expression he is wearing at the moment. I seem to really like that!

Well, even though he is threatening to grow it back now, I think this may have actually been somewhat therapeutic in the long run, lol.

I remember I started using the internet with AOL 3.0 and used it for a few years until I got a cable connection. What an annoying program, lol. George admitted to me that when him and his brothers got online in 1995, they didn't even know you could create seperate screennames. They were all sharing one name for who knows how long.

What does one do when they have to "do business" with someone they truly can't stand? I have this problem, and I try so hard to overlook things, and I swear that I am not bias. This person is contantly in my life, causing problems, causing bad feelings, and

Alice Walker's Possessing the Secret of Joy was hard to put down, and just left me so pissed off and sad. I was talking about that book with someone at the hospital and they had the audacity to compare the U.S. male circumcision with female circumcision.

STFU. The parallel version of that would be if they removed the entire penis.

Why do they mutilate these women?

1. To prevent that they may have sexual desire and then go haywire like nymphomaniacs

2. To increase the pleasure for the husband (don't ask)

But if you ask them, its for "tradition."
Sorry, I respect different cultures and all, but when it's about a 3 year old little girl screaming her head off as they tear off her labia, remove her clitoris, and sew up so well that her future her husband will have to use a knife on their wedding night -- Well, I draw the line at "respecting other's cultures."

The Vagina Dialogues

denise: hey what u gonna be for halloween?
denise: lets dress up this year!

quiettnt: yeah..
quiettnt: I always do

denise: here's my costume for this year (see pic)
denise: help me make it!

quiettnt: WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!!!
quiettnt: NOOOOO
quiettnt: is that a pad and a tampon???

denise: lol
denise: both
quiettnt: yucckkkk!!!!!

denise: its natural!

quiettnt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
quiettnt: shocked and apalled

denise: I am going to wear this costume and when people gross out , I will reply '" ITS NATURAL!! NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF!!"

quiettnt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

denise: "Hey, I celebrate my period!!!"
denise: thats what i will say

quiettnt: OVER MY DEAD GORGEOUS BODY!!!

denise: okay how about we go as a team-costume?

quiettnt: ok

denise: you dress up as a vagina, and I will be a tampon!

quiettnt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

denise: oh man, I am almost peeing from laughter
denise: im laughing at your reaction

quiettnt: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??

denise: LOL

quiettnt: no u wont wear it!!!! period!!!
quiettnt: LOL
quiettnt: period.. get it?

denise: lol ... you made a PUN!!

quiettnt: that is disgusting

denise: you are bloody witty!!! (ooh another pun!!)

Movie Line

There's a 70s movie line that says, "Love means never having to say you are sorry."

Before today, I was like, "Uh...ok, yeah sure."
But now I get it!

The ICU of the hopital doesn't provide guest anything but a hard, ugly chair in where I try to balance myself on. I couldn't leave my husband's side because I feel horrible anywhere else.

I've been a super-tough-postive bitch to George, and I hope he understands me -- it's kind of like tough-love stuff.

George starts this conversation before they pierce his chest with a main-line:

"Baby, in case I don't make it, I just want you to know that I am sorry for all the times that I was an asshole..."

I reply, "Shutup, don't you even go there, you don't even need to apologize...stop it!"

Now I really get the meaning of that movie line.
I really do.

Why Am I With Who I Am With Now, and Why I Was with With Who I Was With Before

Sorry, that was a ridiculous title, and I refuse to bother with editing today.

I was thinking about that law of attraction deal (no, I am not New Age or the like, but some of this "philosophy" is just good 'ole plain mental health and common sense). And what came to mind was how it could be applied to my realtionship choices.

What on earth was I thinking when I thought that the best thing for me was to sacrifice "my wants" with "what I thought was right." Basically, what I wanted was already assumed to be screwed-up, so just follow these rules: What counts is having someone who will just take care of everything, be a father to my kid, and to get as near to Leave-It-To-Beaver.

Don't get me wrong. I wanted to love. I wanted to please him and be ever so submissive in every department of wifehood. Perhaps the first 6-7 years, at least -- then the last 2-3, I unraveled into something else. And the last one I am blaming is my ex-husband.

I just see now, that I was in the time of my life where I was being super traditional and needing another "half" to myself. I wanted something so bad, that I took the first thing that came by and I became the little dog to my Alpha. I think the Alpha just really wanted a female, a sex-partner, and was willing to try to all the roles in the same way.

I think while I was with The Ex, I started secretly wishing. 0