I had no idea about human mourning. I actually did have an "idea" and my avoidant personality didn't allow my thoughts to linger there too long. My personality -- my own psychology - was too fragile. I had bared other types of human pain --- a defeated, lay-down , hopelessness, but an avoidant response was what always resulted.
But no, this type of pain that started Nov 1st of 2009, when my husband abandoned me and the children -- was a pain in its own class. The tearing up and shredding of your being -- a shattered mirror of yourself. Your bare hands hold the broken pieces so tight, that the flesh of your fingers are shredded to pulp.
But that is one of the many types of pain, that I could describe.
I don't feel this pain any longer. At least, not at that intensity. And I am relieved but also scared at the same time. I tell my friends and loved ones, only half the story.
First, during the initial separation, I had beckoned for my husband to come back, as he was before his "emotional fall" which started back in the spring of 2009. The man who was there during my miscarriage. I still saw him sad, but he was still somewhat present. He comforted me and watched them cleaned up the gallon of blood off the hospital floor. He brought me a cold icy coke. We shared tears. But I don't think we ever mourned together. We had mourned separately. The baby was our last hope, and with her dying, it closed a chapter. It was the beginning of our end.
I felt desperate when I saw the end coming. I beckoned back the intense love of my husband -- like the way he loved me in the beginning and in the middle. I used unholy tactics to get his love. I don't and can't separate passion and love. I am quite giving and intense, and I wanted and needed that intensity back. The moon, the stars, the tiger. Unholy tactics.
Then I tied beckoning back a man who might find God again. The husband who lived by the principles that he held close to his heart and shared with my children. The man who loved Jesus and His teachings --- and a self declared patriot.
This man was dead. The Zombie has a different look in his eyes.
The part I missed the most was the man who brought out a peace in me -- a peace I never had before. The peace you have when you go fishing with a friend, and you both stay quiet, as you look at the sunset and the diamonds on the water -- over a few cold ones, a few jokes, nodding of our heads, and a smile with secret understandings.
Dammit Denise, he is DEAD, don't you get it?
After that , I beckoned an invisible man. A man who is air. I don't know anything about him.....
Who do I beckon that night in the crowd of people?
H.
I picked him out in a room of people, I kid you not. I had left the house knowing he would be there, and the funny thing was that he was in a similar predicament. Healthy? Probably not.
Older, 12 yrs older. I see his face, which shows his age, yet can see him at age 15, 30, 40 and now at 50. The moonlight takes years off, but I wonder if it take off pounds? Ha.
I have the friendship (the peace, the moon and the tiger....)
An illusion, i know. All things in relationships are illusions at first. Especially me, I am so drunken by a new tiger, that and the moon and the stars -- that I don't weigh out other things.
For now, though, I am escaping the fears of aloneness, and having a damn good time while doing it --- what can I say -- he THRILLS me. Conversations are tender, and conversations are GAMES -- i like that he can play a good game... he can top me off, and then pull me over and spank the hell out of me. (Did I just say that aloud?)
But seriously, I have a nice time, and yet, i still know that I don't know him.
And i still haven't figured out his position --- he has given me a list of clues, that may be insulting to a nice girl, yet the more I think about it, it may turn out to be ideal. An arrangement? Or a friendship? And why can't I just let go and take it for what it is?
Why? because i want the mundane.
I want the boring.
I want the rocking chair on the porch, with lemonade (or cold beer) and to feel my dog at my feet. I want my man to be mellow and we make each other laugh. I want him to help me fall asleep and he helps me fall asleep, (*sigh*)
But that can't happen until my birdies leave the nest. Birdies are stress. A lot of stress -- don't get me wrong, joy, laughs, stress, anger, -- which i can handle all of it because they are my offspring, my birdies in my nest -- my flesh and blood, my babies.
But he made it clear that those two worlds can never be mixed -- and I was relieved when he said this to me , because I cannot ever put my kids through anything again. What George did was enough damage. Nobody told him to go to them and make promises like that. No, I can't risk it.
And I was okay when he H said it. I felt relief.
Yet, I wonderd, how could I get what all women need, without losing independence?
How could i get loyalty --- the romantic loyalty that a knight promises his queen?
Why does the woman always have to worry about tomorrow, iike her clock is running out? I feel like i can't and couldn't say goodbye to H, because I liked and needed the friendhhip, the intamcy and the laughter.........yet at the same time the relationship TORTURES me because I sit down and relaize how there is never really a way to tell if a man is a black cat or a white cat. He is a self-proclaimed black cat, and he carries his flag proudly--- grinning to be silly.
But I wonder if he is now at an age , where he says, "hey ive fucked up enough , and now Im ready to finish out my last 30 years of life, with a woman who will be my true friend -- my lover, and I will never fuck her.
Yeah right. I am so jaded.
what the hell am i doing?
what am I doing?
I am purring.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
It's March -- Doing Better.
It's been about three months since I last posted.
Oh Lord, it has been such a journey ... a tunnel ... indescribable pain.
But I see the light now.
I have gotten on my knees every night, many mornings, and as I walk around the building during my lunch hour. I read my bible, and I listen to CDs when I drive the car.
And I am experiencing the Lord's comfort, wisdom, and strength.
I know I had to go through the horrible pain. I never knew such pain existed.
I didn't know people went through this when they are separated/divorced.
Well, no duh,its like your other half has been ripped apart.
I know that in December I was very "forgive but never forget," and then in January, I went through this "Have enough faith and your husband will open his eyes and come back."
But in February, I started hearing God more clearly.
He said to me, "Don't worry about the future. I have plans for you and they are good. It doesn't matter what the future holds, just trust in Me. Let it all go."
And when I pray, I pray for Jorge. I don't pray to get him back, though, I only pray for God's Will because He knows what is best. And when I pray for Jorge, I pray that God heals him of his emotional pain and alcoholism. I pray that God sends a spiritual mentor to help him. I still love my husband very much, and he says he plans to divorce me, and I am accepting of that. Things are going to come together for me, and I trust God. If God opens Jorge's eyes, I will know, without doubt, it is God's Will. If my husband never returns, I will accept that, and I will be excited about my future ... and know that God has good things lined up for me.
So I still shed tears every so often, but it's not that horrible, torturous, emotional pain I was feeling for so long. I am not out of the wilderness completely, but i know that it is part of a grieving process that I cannot get around. But God is my rock, and I praise Him and give Him all the honor and glory for my sudden state of my mind -- a relief from that horrible pain. God heard my cries and pain and gave me the right mindset, because I was going mad with my negative thoughts.
God, I miss my husband. But the thing is, Jorge has free will. And if he rejects the things that God will be sending his way (as a result of my prayers), then He has made his bed and will lie on it. He will reap what he sows. And that makes me so sad.
What has also helped me are these "Divorce Care" emails that I get sent daily.
Here is a sample of one of them:
Daily Choices
Day 18
"Pain can drive you to a sense of hopelessness and despair or it can drive you to God. It's your choice," says Jan Northington.
"When you are in the midst of a situation like separation or divorce, you tend to think there are few choices available to you. In reality there are a million choices available to you, and the choices you make will ultimately be those that have an effect on both your immediate and your future actions."
Think about decisions you have already made that are positive. One positive action you have chosen is to search for comfort and answers through this book. Perhaps you have gone to church, talked to a wise friend or counselor, prayed, or started reading the Bible. Each day you make choices about work, finances, transportation, food, and your children. You choose what type of attitude to have as new situations arise. You choose whether or not to lash out at someone when you are angry.
Some days the choices you make may seem too small to make a difference. But if you change your course only a few compass degrees, the longer you move in that direction, the more you will see the impact of that decision.
Many times you make wrong choices, and that can bring you down. At the same time, though, you are making right choices, and they will have a positive effect. God knows your motivations, and He knows your heart. Pray today that You will make God-pleasing choices, decisions that bring you closer to Him.
"Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit?" (Galatians 5:18 Msg).
Holy Spirit, lead me on the path that leads to life, peace, and hope. I pray that today I will make choices that are pleasing to You. Amen.
Suggested reading from the DivorceCare HelpCenter
Separated and Waiting
Jan Northington
Waiting to be reconciled or divorced can bring confusion, despair, and hopelessness. Whether you've been separated for a short while or a long time, Separated and Waiting offers the motivation and understanding you need to bring wholeness back into your life—despite the uncertainty of the future of your marriage.
================
If you found my blog and are going through same, here is the site to sign up for these: http://www.divorcecare.org/dailyemails/tellafriend/
Oh Lord, it has been such a journey ... a tunnel ... indescribable pain.
But I see the light now.
I have gotten on my knees every night, many mornings, and as I walk around the building during my lunch hour. I read my bible, and I listen to CDs when I drive the car.
And I am experiencing the Lord's comfort, wisdom, and strength.
I know I had to go through the horrible pain. I never knew such pain existed.
I didn't know people went through this when they are separated/divorced.
Well, no duh,its like your other half has been ripped apart.
I know that in December I was very "forgive but never forget," and then in January, I went through this "Have enough faith and your husband will open his eyes and come back."
But in February, I started hearing God more clearly.
He said to me, "Don't worry about the future. I have plans for you and they are good. It doesn't matter what the future holds, just trust in Me. Let it all go."
And when I pray, I pray for Jorge. I don't pray to get him back, though, I only pray for God's Will because He knows what is best. And when I pray for Jorge, I pray that God heals him of his emotional pain and alcoholism. I pray that God sends a spiritual mentor to help him. I still love my husband very much, and he says he plans to divorce me, and I am accepting of that. Things are going to come together for me, and I trust God. If God opens Jorge's eyes, I will know, without doubt, it is God's Will. If my husband never returns, I will accept that, and I will be excited about my future ... and know that God has good things lined up for me.
So I still shed tears every so often, but it's not that horrible, torturous, emotional pain I was feeling for so long. I am not out of the wilderness completely, but i know that it is part of a grieving process that I cannot get around. But God is my rock, and I praise Him and give Him all the honor and glory for my sudden state of my mind -- a relief from that horrible pain. God heard my cries and pain and gave me the right mindset, because I was going mad with my negative thoughts.
God, I miss my husband. But the thing is, Jorge has free will. And if he rejects the things that God will be sending his way (as a result of my prayers), then He has made his bed and will lie on it. He will reap what he sows. And that makes me so sad.
What has also helped me are these "Divorce Care" emails that I get sent daily.
Here is a sample of one of them:
Daily Choices
Day 18
"Pain can drive you to a sense of hopelessness and despair or it can drive you to God. It's your choice," says Jan Northington.
"When you are in the midst of a situation like separation or divorce, you tend to think there are few choices available to you. In reality there are a million choices available to you, and the choices you make will ultimately be those that have an effect on both your immediate and your future actions."
Think about decisions you have already made that are positive. One positive action you have chosen is to search for comfort and answers through this book. Perhaps you have gone to church, talked to a wise friend or counselor, prayed, or started reading the Bible. Each day you make choices about work, finances, transportation, food, and your children. You choose what type of attitude to have as new situations arise. You choose whether or not to lash out at someone when you are angry.
Some days the choices you make may seem too small to make a difference. But if you change your course only a few compass degrees, the longer you move in that direction, the more you will see the impact of that decision.
Many times you make wrong choices, and that can bring you down. At the same time, though, you are making right choices, and they will have a positive effect. God knows your motivations, and He knows your heart. Pray today that You will make God-pleasing choices, decisions that bring you closer to Him.
"Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit?" (Galatians 5:18 Msg).
Holy Spirit, lead me on the path that leads to life, peace, and hope. I pray that today I will make choices that are pleasing to You. Amen.
Suggested reading from the DivorceCare HelpCenter
Separated and Waiting
Jan Northington
Waiting to be reconciled or divorced can bring confusion, despair, and hopelessness. Whether you've been separated for a short while or a long time, Separated and Waiting offers the motivation and understanding you need to bring wholeness back into your life—despite the uncertainty of the future of your marriage.
================
If you found my blog and are going through same, here is the site to sign up for these: http://www.divorcecare.org/dailyemails/tellafriend/
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Who was I kidding
Yesterday was the day that I felt the most intense pain. My son is in trouble...17 year old and in trouble with law. I know he "acted out" because of his pain with G leaving, so may the judge have mercy. But yesterday I had a meltdown. I CalkeG and he just listened and stayed quiet. I didn't want him to say anything and he didn
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Regarding Henry --- err, I mean George
I want to retract a statement.
I was upset that he quit alcohol for the other woman, and that the fact that he couldn't do that for me.
Well, that is untrue. He tried very hard, many many times. Over and over. He'd
try to "cut down," and he even tried doing a lame attempt at outreaching to professional help ... he never followed up on that.
So that makes me think how I need to focus on how alcohol, especially a bottle every night, is going to gradually start deteriorating you, if you are highly stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, and mourning.
This led to the loss of his moral compass.... and then the new vice came in.
Alcohol is so embedded in self, in his identity, in his family ... george is alcohol, and alcohol is george.
I know that i have been splitting apart the man, all these years. Just seeing him
for his beauty....for all the good things....for his old-self.
BUT now i have to see him for what he is today, and I can never forgive him.
I mean, forgive yes, but not forgive him in the sense of ever taking him back.
I have to accept that the old George is gone. The man who cared, the man who
would of died for us, the man who had morals and values.
Well-meaning Christian family and friends encouraged me to pray for my husband
to heal and that he'd eventually come back. I asked God for a sign, and i am accepting the conversations of my father, Fernie.
He explained to me that George's love for me was never a healthy one. Not the kind of love that that is pure and unconditional.
He said that what George felt for me was very deep and real, but it was more of a fear that he was having. He felt deep gratefulness that i gave him a home and children, and I was there for him, because he was afraid of being alone.
BUT now that he got his bariatric surgery, he felt like he had a life to live out there and screwed us over. And that is something i should never forgive, if he
ever came back knocking on my door, for one sole reason. If he betrayed me at such a horrible, cruel, evil level , then he could do it again to me. He is not stable.
And with this understanding, i went on to a different kind of mourning.
I am at another grief level, i guess. The angry-disbelief phase, which ever that may be, lol.
i keep trying to put the puzzle together. i just can't. it hurts to omuch to do so, and I wonder if this is important in the grieving process, or can i just skip this altogether, lol?
The way he has hurt me, is like so so so deep, like if he took a machete and just chopped me and my kids into tiny bloody chunks.
if he came back to me one day, healed, on the wagon for a long time, with true remorse .... i could not forgive the man with the machete.
I am not going to lie. Oh how i would be tempted. how i would want to. how i would want to believe .... how i could easily get weak. my arms still ache for the old, good, wise, george.
Even now, when the door bell rang, i secretly wished it was him.
But when i realize its not, i thank GOD that it wasn't.
i got to give myself a break, its only been six weeks since he left me.
I HAVE to keep working on seeing him for what he has become (vile) and not the George that I have on a pedestal that I call the "old George."
Because the "old george" is dead.
I was upset that he quit alcohol for the other woman, and that the fact that he couldn't do that for me.
Well, that is untrue. He tried very hard, many many times. Over and over. He'd
try to "cut down," and he even tried doing a lame attempt at outreaching to professional help ... he never followed up on that.
So that makes me think how I need to focus on how alcohol, especially a bottle every night, is going to gradually start deteriorating you, if you are highly stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, and mourning.
This led to the loss of his moral compass.... and then the new vice came in.
Alcohol is so embedded in self, in his identity, in his family ... george is alcohol, and alcohol is george.
I know that i have been splitting apart the man, all these years. Just seeing him
for his beauty....for all the good things....for his old-self.
BUT now i have to see him for what he is today, and I can never forgive him.
I mean, forgive yes, but not forgive him in the sense of ever taking him back.
I have to accept that the old George is gone. The man who cared, the man who
would of died for us, the man who had morals and values.
Well-meaning Christian family and friends encouraged me to pray for my husband
to heal and that he'd eventually come back. I asked God for a sign, and i am accepting the conversations of my father, Fernie.
He explained to me that George's love for me was never a healthy one. Not the kind of love that that is pure and unconditional.
He said that what George felt for me was very deep and real, but it was more of a fear that he was having. He felt deep gratefulness that i gave him a home and children, and I was there for him, because he was afraid of being alone.
BUT now that he got his bariatric surgery, he felt like he had a life to live out there and screwed us over. And that is something i should never forgive, if he
ever came back knocking on my door, for one sole reason. If he betrayed me at such a horrible, cruel, evil level , then he could do it again to me. He is not stable.
And with this understanding, i went on to a different kind of mourning.
I am at another grief level, i guess. The angry-disbelief phase, which ever that may be, lol.
i keep trying to put the puzzle together. i just can't. it hurts to omuch to do so, and I wonder if this is important in the grieving process, or can i just skip this altogether, lol?
The way he has hurt me, is like so so so deep, like if he took a machete and just chopped me and my kids into tiny bloody chunks.
if he came back to me one day, healed, on the wagon for a long time, with true remorse .... i could not forgive the man with the machete.
I am not going to lie. Oh how i would be tempted. how i would want to. how i would want to believe .... how i could easily get weak. my arms still ache for the old, good, wise, george.
Even now, when the door bell rang, i secretly wished it was him.
But when i realize its not, i thank GOD that it wasn't.
i got to give myself a break, its only been six weeks since he left me.
I HAVE to keep working on seeing him for what he has become (vile) and not the George that I have on a pedestal that I call the "old George."
Because the "old george" is dead.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Today i finally got the confirmation of what I already knew already.
'the other woman" really exists, and that is the primary reason he left.
what angers me, is how i super-focused on how I failed him and now i start listing
how he failed me so badly too.
I got so hurt when he my son told me he was not drinking anymore, and i thought to myself, "oh ok, that hurts -- he could never stop drinking for ME..."
And then in the middle of the night he calls me drunk as a skunk (hiccuping even too), and he starts telling me about how he is now in love.
wtf.
And I say, "yeah, sure, so in love, you just came for sex a few days ago, and then the two days before that, then the week before that , and the first week. You are sooooo in love!!!"
And i hung up on him and said, "You know what? You guys deserve each other."
I don't even feel rage like a woman should just about now. i feel so sorry for his pathetic lost soul. Mr Regarding-Henry-but-in-reverse.
i don't feel anger, I just feel sad. i need to do some more research on this
bariatric, 70 percent divorce rate. That's just so high.
ADDICTON TRANSFER
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2006/11/30/think-gastric-bypass-surgery-is-the-quick-fix-think-again/
http://books.google.com/books?id=rhna8BtfufEC&pg=PT146&lpg=PT146&dq=bariatric+surgery+adultery&source=bl&ots=Vp8iQeKxiP&sig=aXkuqxlcrG4oZs4K47O8nH89SqI&hl=en&ei=rMEcS9K1Fc-LlAfy-bDvCQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=6&ved=0CCQQ6AEwBQ#v=onepage&q=bariatric%20surgery%20adultery&f=false
'the other woman" really exists, and that is the primary reason he left.
what angers me, is how i super-focused on how I failed him and now i start listing
how he failed me so badly too.
I got so hurt when he my son told me he was not drinking anymore, and i thought to myself, "oh ok, that hurts -- he could never stop drinking for ME..."
And then in the middle of the night he calls me drunk as a skunk (hiccuping even too), and he starts telling me about how he is now in love.
wtf.
And I say, "yeah, sure, so in love, you just came for sex a few days ago, and then the two days before that, then the week before that , and the first week. You are sooooo in love!!!"
And i hung up on him and said, "You know what? You guys deserve each other."
I don't even feel rage like a woman should just about now. i feel so sorry for his pathetic lost soul. Mr Regarding-Henry-but-in-reverse.
i don't feel anger, I just feel sad. i need to do some more research on this
bariatric, 70 percent divorce rate. That's just so high.
ADDICTON TRANSFER
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2006/11/30/think-gastric-bypass-surgery-is-the-quick-fix-think-again/
http://books.google.com/books?id=rhna8BtfufEC&pg=PT146&lpg=PT146&dq=bariatric+surgery+adultery&source=bl&ots=Vp8iQeKxiP&sig=aXkuqxlcrG4oZs4K47O8nH89SqI&hl=en&ei=rMEcS9K1Fc-LlAfy-bDvCQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=6&ved=0CCQQ6AEwBQ#v=onepage&q=bariatric%20surgery%20adultery&f=false
Friday, December 4, 2009
Some Days
Some days I just think about the old George. The man who was a former Marine, who taught my sons values and morals. The man who'd correct me if I wanted to steal grapes from the grocery market and pop them in my mouth. i miss the man who told me the heartbreaking story of being betrayed by his first love, who ended up leaving him for another man while he was stationed far away. He knew how my ex had no respect for the vows of marriage, and he, too, had been hurt to by cheating girlfriends.
We had this unspoken promise to each other -- to never hurt each other in that way.
LOYALTY.
He had favorite movies, and he loved 'Regarding Henry.' In this story, the man wakes up from a self that was immoral and lost, and he starts to see things clearly and beautifully. And the irony, is that George has gone through the reverse. He was clear and beautiful, and then he fell asleep and got lost.
Alcohol can make a man lose himself.... his morals, his values, and respect for himself and others. Yet,it is a disease, and should be treated as such. Why didn't he ever have any faith in the help available? I guess he wasn't ready and didn't really want it. I think part of losing this weight all by myself, is to say that I got ahold and got control of my addiction -- all with God's help. How can I judge him for not getting on the wagon, if I had my own?
``````````````````````````````````
I miss him as a friend.
I miss my husband.
But the man I've seen the last few times, is not my husband.
His eyes even look different.
I spend my mornings and nights on my knees, just saying to God, "Lord, i know i am supposed to desire your Will, no matter what that may be... but you know the desire of my heart....'
What is my truest desire? To enjoy my children as they prosper from my new connection to them. To see myself lose this weight (26 lbs so far), only because I want more energy.
Energy!!!!
1.sleep apnea that I tried to fix but they wanted me to start over and they didn't want to adjust my pressure. ($$$$$$$)
2. hypothyroid (hello? apathetic and sluggishness)
3. depression
4. Carrying around so much weight to drag me down
right now, all i care about is getting more energy ... gradually.
i don't want bariatric surgery......i don't.
I am toughing this out so much, and I don't have a crybaby attitude.
i just need and want energy so badly that I refuse to stuff my face.
it's so hard, because sometimes i just want to stuff down my pain.
but i just let myself feel my pain.
What else do I want? I want to finish school. oh come on, I'm almost about to flip to senior status. Why stop now?!?!?! I wanted to jump in to school in December, but with this grieving/mourning, I decided to allow myself some more time. In January, I think I will be ready.
What else do I want?
My husband to come to me --- I dream him. I hate that, because it's so painful when you wake up. i always wake up and I am not sure where I am, and I stumble to get up. And then in a few moments, my mind wakes up and I remember that George has left me. I say to myself, "Oh my GOD, he has left me.....oh my God, this is a nightmare. '
sometimes i scream in my car. i am driving fine, then suddenly i get pain and feel like someone just punched my gut so hard. i get that feeling at work when I am on a call. When I spell out things for the customer, I say, "D as in delta, S as in Sam, and G as in George."
I guess I need to start using a new "G" word.
.
We had this unspoken promise to each other -- to never hurt each other in that way.
LOYALTY.
He had favorite movies, and he loved 'Regarding Henry.' In this story, the man wakes up from a self that was immoral and lost, and he starts to see things clearly and beautifully. And the irony, is that George has gone through the reverse. He was clear and beautiful, and then he fell asleep and got lost.
Alcohol can make a man lose himself.... his morals, his values, and respect for himself and others. Yet,it is a disease, and should be treated as such. Why didn't he ever have any faith in the help available? I guess he wasn't ready and didn't really want it. I think part of losing this weight all by myself, is to say that I got ahold and got control of my addiction -- all with God's help. How can I judge him for not getting on the wagon, if I had my own?
``````````````````````````````````
I miss him as a friend.
I miss my husband.
But the man I've seen the last few times, is not my husband.
His eyes even look different.
I spend my mornings and nights on my knees, just saying to God, "Lord, i know i am supposed to desire your Will, no matter what that may be... but you know the desire of my heart....'
What is my truest desire? To enjoy my children as they prosper from my new connection to them. To see myself lose this weight (26 lbs so far), only because I want more energy.
Energy!!!!
1.sleep apnea that I tried to fix but they wanted me to start over and they didn't want to adjust my pressure. ($$$$$$$)
2. hypothyroid (hello? apathetic and sluggishness)
3. depression
4. Carrying around so much weight to drag me down
right now, all i care about is getting more energy ... gradually.
i don't want bariatric surgery......i don't.
I am toughing this out so much, and I don't have a crybaby attitude.
i just need and want energy so badly that I refuse to stuff my face.
it's so hard, because sometimes i just want to stuff down my pain.
but i just let myself feel my pain.
What else do I want? I want to finish school. oh come on, I'm almost about to flip to senior status. Why stop now?!?!?! I wanted to jump in to school in December, but with this grieving/mourning, I decided to allow myself some more time. In January, I think I will be ready.
What else do I want?
My husband to come to me --- I dream him. I hate that, because it's so painful when you wake up. i always wake up and I am not sure where I am, and I stumble to get up. And then in a few moments, my mind wakes up and I remember that George has left me. I say to myself, "Oh my GOD, he has left me.....oh my God, this is a nightmare. '
sometimes i scream in my car. i am driving fine, then suddenly i get pain and feel like someone just punched my gut so hard. i get that feeling at work when I am on a call. When I spell out things for the customer, I say, "D as in delta, S as in Sam, and G as in George."
I guess I need to start using a new "G" word.
.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Reply Letter to Brenda, my Godsent, Friend
REPLY TO BRENDA:
Brenda,
something is happening to me right now -- well, actually, since yesterday morning.
i think your prayers and everyone else's prayers, are being Heard.
i feel so empowered these last couple days.
Like i feel God's breath in my lungs, His Hands on my shoulders, and I feel so HUMBLED by it all.
I am so so so HUMBLED.
i had forgotten this feeling -- the feeling of God being closeby.
Well, i know its not that God was gone before, but I had closed my ears and heart.
Oh wow, I had thought I'd never ever feel the Holy Spirit again.
i know some people would say that my psychological state is finding a coping
mechanism to deal with my pain. BUT MY TRUE SELF IS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE, SELF-HATING, NEGATIVE, AND BLIND.
This is not me.
Brenda, I know there are still a lot of rough times ahead, and the enemy will try to attack me, but i claim Victory.
Thank you so much, Brenda. Every time you send me a letter, I read it, reread it, and reread it.
Today George came to try to hurt me (bootie call).
My old "victim" self laid down with tears and lust, thinking, this was my wifely duty and it showed my devotion.
I still love him and wanted him to stay connected to me.
I surrendered my body and heart with love and ecstacy, but afterward, I felt empowered. I can't explain it. Like, I am now healing and his continued sickness (alcoholism/adultery) just made me so sad for him. It's hard to see your mother dying on her deathbed, so slowly and painfully.
But then another light bulb went on -- Hello? Giving a bootie call to a man who had abandoned and betrayed me and the kids? What kind of a woman would do that?
I tried to justify it before , thinking that he still had love for me and that God would hear my prayers and heal him and bring him back to me healed.
(I just don't want him back any other way.)
But I told him the truest words in my heart -- it hurt to say them, but I said that
this is now over.
I will not stop praying for Jorge. He is still my husband. And I know when the time is right, God will release me. I am starting to feel this gradual release already taking place.
It has only been 33 days since he left, but it has been a long giant painful and blessed journey.
Thank you again, Brenda.
===================================================
To: chasemice@myspace.com
From: Brenda
Denise,
I am in front of my computer thinking of words that might comfort you. I feel so much pain for you. I don't want you or your children to hurt or suffer. If you are okay your children will be okay. You are all they need and they are all you need.
This is a deep dark valley you are going through. You are going to learn so much through this experience. God is trying to show you his will for your life. Just obey him Denise even if it seems unreasonable. He will reward your faith. Most of his will for your life is laid out for you in the bible.
I remember Sam didn't look for the kids for about a year and a half. Samantha was so sad. She would wait by the window. The very fiber of my being hurt. I began to build her up by praying with her and reading bible stories. I would tell her who she does have. I would tell her you have me, your brother, grandma, grandpa, and Jesus. That is all you need and we all love you so very much. I would tell her this daily. I would tell her how much we all loved her.
Don't feel that you were a bad mother in the past. Reality is that when women have a man they pay less attention to their children as did I. After Sam left I spent so much more time with my children. Quality time. We became closer and happier. The void Sam left disappeared.
We all make mistakes and sin. God has forgiven you and he remembers them no more. Why should you remember them. Your sins are as far as the east is from the west. They are at the bottom of the deepest ocean. Stop trying to drag them along like chains tied to your feet. The devil loves to bring up the past and tell us how much we messed up. He wants you to feel like a failure. Don't look back any more.
Sometimes we have to step away from a situation and hand it over to God. That means let God deal with Jorge. He will in his time. Jorge is not happy and he never will be as long as he is hurting others and living in sin.
If there is another woman I feel sorry for her. All she is going to get is the is same corrupt person who will do the same to her. She is also messing with a married man therein committing adultery. They will reap what they sow. Jorge is going to have to face the consequences for all he has done.
We can't control Jorge. Let God deal with him. Take care of yourself and your children. Your life isn't over sweet potato. Don't let this man or his absence break you down.
If Jorge wants to allow the devil to mop the floor with him so be it. Don't you give him any room to harm you or your children. Denise God will start to fill the holes in your heart. You will have true peace and joy that comes from God not another human being.
Denise, I don't know what God is doing in your life, but he is doing something. He is working this very minute. He has not forgotten you. I will continue to pray for you and your children. I will also pray that God convict Jorge and turn him around. The bible says that if two or more agree in his name...
I am here for you 24/7. It doesn't matter if I work or not. God wants us to carry one another's burdens. I will do whatever I can for you. Rest Denise. Give your heart and mind rest. Close your eyes and meditate on God, his promises, and his eternal love for you. He has felt what you are feeling. He knows your pain. Good night. Be strong in the Lord and the power of his might put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand.
Love,
Brenda
...
Brenda,
something is happening to me right now -- well, actually, since yesterday morning.
i think your prayers and everyone else's prayers, are being Heard.
i feel so empowered these last couple days.
Like i feel God's breath in my lungs, His Hands on my shoulders, and I feel so HUMBLED by it all.
I am so so so HUMBLED.
i had forgotten this feeling -- the feeling of God being closeby.
Well, i know its not that God was gone before, but I had closed my ears and heart.
Oh wow, I had thought I'd never ever feel the Holy Spirit again.
i know some people would say that my psychological state is finding a coping
mechanism to deal with my pain. BUT MY TRUE SELF IS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE, SELF-HATING, NEGATIVE, AND BLIND.
This is not me.
Brenda, I know there are still a lot of rough times ahead, and the enemy will try to attack me, but i claim Victory.
Thank you so much, Brenda. Every time you send me a letter, I read it, reread it, and reread it.
Today George came to try to hurt me (bootie call).
My old "victim" self laid down with tears and lust, thinking, this was my wifely duty and it showed my devotion.
I still love him and wanted him to stay connected to me.
I surrendered my body and heart with love and ecstacy, but afterward, I felt empowered. I can't explain it. Like, I am now healing and his continued sickness (alcoholism/adultery) just made me so sad for him. It's hard to see your mother dying on her deathbed, so slowly and painfully.
But then another light bulb went on -- Hello? Giving a bootie call to a man who had abandoned and betrayed me and the kids? What kind of a woman would do that?
I tried to justify it before , thinking that he still had love for me and that God would hear my prayers and heal him and bring him back to me healed.
(I just don't want him back any other way.)
But I told him the truest words in my heart -- it hurt to say them, but I said that
this is now over.
I will not stop praying for Jorge. He is still my husband. And I know when the time is right, God will release me. I am starting to feel this gradual release already taking place.
It has only been 33 days since he left, but it has been a long giant painful and blessed journey.
Thank you again, Brenda.
===================================================
To: chasemice@myspace.com
From: Brenda
Denise,
I am in front of my computer thinking of words that might comfort you. I feel so much pain for you. I don't want you or your children to hurt or suffer. If you are okay your children will be okay. You are all they need and they are all you need.
This is a deep dark valley you are going through. You are going to learn so much through this experience. God is trying to show you his will for your life. Just obey him Denise even if it seems unreasonable. He will reward your faith. Most of his will for your life is laid out for you in the bible.
I remember Sam didn't look for the kids for about a year and a half. Samantha was so sad. She would wait by the window. The very fiber of my being hurt. I began to build her up by praying with her and reading bible stories. I would tell her who she does have. I would tell her you have me, your brother, grandma, grandpa, and Jesus. That is all you need and we all love you so very much. I would tell her this daily. I would tell her how much we all loved her.
Don't feel that you were a bad mother in the past. Reality is that when women have a man they pay less attention to their children as did I. After Sam left I spent so much more time with my children. Quality time. We became closer and happier. The void Sam left disappeared.
We all make mistakes and sin. God has forgiven you and he remembers them no more. Why should you remember them. Your sins are as far as the east is from the west. They are at the bottom of the deepest ocean. Stop trying to drag them along like chains tied to your feet. The devil loves to bring up the past and tell us how much we messed up. He wants you to feel like a failure. Don't look back any more.
Sometimes we have to step away from a situation and hand it over to God. That means let God deal with Jorge. He will in his time. Jorge is not happy and he never will be as long as he is hurting others and living in sin.
If there is another woman I feel sorry for her. All she is going to get is the is same corrupt person who will do the same to her. She is also messing with a married man therein committing adultery. They will reap what they sow. Jorge is going to have to face the consequences for all he has done.
We can't control Jorge. Let God deal with him. Take care of yourself and your children. Your life isn't over sweet potato. Don't let this man or his absence break you down.
If Jorge wants to allow the devil to mop the floor with him so be it. Don't you give him any room to harm you or your children. Denise God will start to fill the holes in your heart. You will have true peace and joy that comes from God not another human being.
Denise, I don't know what God is doing in your life, but he is doing something. He is working this very minute. He has not forgotten you. I will continue to pray for you and your children. I will also pray that God convict Jorge and turn him around. The bible says that if two or more agree in his name...
I am here for you 24/7. It doesn't matter if I work or not. God wants us to carry one another's burdens. I will do whatever I can for you. Rest Denise. Give your heart and mind rest. Close your eyes and meditate on God, his promises, and his eternal love for you. He has felt what you are feeling. He knows your pain. Good night. Be strong in the Lord and the power of his might put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand.
Love,
Brenda
...
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